Romney: The First 90 Days

Willard Mitt Romney on being elected the 45th President of the United States:

I still can't tell you what I'll do as President-- it's too complicated for you to understand-- but thanks for your trust.

Day 1

Just before his inauguration ceremony, Romney texts in a retroactive signing statement voiding the Affordable Health Care Act ("Obamacare.").

Romney refuses to be sworn in by Chief Justice of the Supreme Court John R. Roberts, Jr. Antonin Scalia, claiming to be possessed by the ghost of Joseph Smith, does the honors. When Romney is asked to affirm his support of the Constitution, he replies "Whatever." The Associated Press reports his fingers were crossed behind his back.

Romney orders the removal of the Rose Garden; it will be replaced by horse stables.

Day 2

Romney flies to North Dakota, where he tells citizens the state has been seized in a hostile takeover by the U.S. Government and leased to the Canadian province of Saskatchewan  for 99 years. A condition of the lease is that residents go with the state. Romney tells them they won't be allowed to leave, and by the way, as Canadians they will no longer be receiving Medicare and Social Security payments.

Day 3

A Republican-dominated Congress passes a bill removing Federal funding for family planning and birth control agencies and PBS. Romney signs it.

Day 5

The Department of Homeland Security announces that henceforth all Americans must wear magic underwear to "protect them from weapons of mass destruction. In a televised address, Romney says, "In keeping with my on-again, off-again promise to cut spending, production of this non-Mormon magic underwear will be offshored." The New York Times reports on Romney's ties to underwear sweatshops in China.

Day 8

Congress passes a bill that will dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency, the Federal Aviation Administration, the Bureau of Mines, and the Department of Education. In his hurry to sign it, President Romney breaks a finger.

Day 10

In his first State of the Union address, Romney tells Americans he can't tell them the state of the union.

Day 13

After the mysterious deaths of Supreme Court Justices Elena Kagan, Sonia Sotomayor, and Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Romney announces his intention to fill the vacancies with Rick Santorum, Todd "Legitimate Rape" Akin, and Fred Phelps.

Day 21

Romney signs The Republicans are Looking After You Water Conservation Bill, which repeals the Clean Water Act and allows natural gas companies to frack anywhere they want with no regulations whatsoever.

Day 23

Congress repeals the Dodd-Frank Wall Street Reform and Consumer Protection Act. Romney signs it.

Day 24

Major credit companies raise their interest rate to 43%.


Day 29

Romney announces a special address, in which he tells America:

In keeping with my plan to reduce spending and keep America safe, national security functions of the Federal government have been privatized. Henceforth the U.S. Army will be called The People's Republic of China Security Agency. The U.S. Air Force will be known as AirTran Skywatch. The U.S. Navy will be renamed The Carnival Cruise Line Safe Seas Expeditionary Force. The U.S. Marines will be headed by Sylvester Stallone and called The Rambo Expendables. The U.S. Coast Guard will keep its name, but will be run by the Catalina Island Yacht Club. The National Guard-- well, we really don't need reserves, now do we?

1,500,000 active military personnel and 1,5000 reserve military personnel get pink slips.


Day 31

Congress passes a bill prohibiting the teaching of evolution. Romney signs it, but adds a signing statement proclaiming February National Brigham Young Day.


Day 32

Romney flies to Salt Lake City for special instruction from Latter Day Saints President Thomas S. Momson.


Day 32

At Romney's urging, Congress reintroduces the draft. Since the armed services have been outsourced, all male Americans who reach age 18 must spend a year doing missionary work overseas.


Day 34

Romney tells America truth is highly overrated.

Day 35

Congress lowers the tax rate for the top 1% of Americans. With his tax savings, Romney buys a Lear jet.


Day 42

After a week at Camp David, Romney returns to Washington and announces the U.S. will go on the gold standard.


Day 43

After stock markets around the world collapse, Romney announces he will defer the issue of the gold standard until his 4th term.


Day 44

Congress passes a bill making English-with-a-Harvard-accent the national language and doubling Federal subsidies to the petroleum industry.


Day 45

Romney narrowly escapes an assassination attempt by Big Bird. Paul Ryan is not so lucky.


Day 46

Congress repeals the home interest deduction from the income tax. Romney signs the bill.


Day 47

Romney announces that Bain Capital has acquired the Commonwealth of Massachusetts and the state of Rhode Island and will merge them into a single state to be known as Seamus.


Day 48

Keeping a promise made to the National Rifle Association Romney announces his intent to make full-automatic machine guns rocket-propelled grenades and cruise missiles.

Day 49

Romney announces the offshoring of Idaho, Minnesota, South Carolina, and Oklahoma.

Day 50

Romney says Department of Homeland Security functions have been leased to the government of Libya for 99 years. DHS personnel find pink slips in their email in-boxes.